Think about it.

It’s been over 3 months since my mother passed away.

She was only 62.

Think about that for a minute. How old are you? Now imagine all the things you want to do, all the places you want to go, all the people you need to see. Now imagine you only have until 62 to do them. Just let that soak in.

My mother had a choice. She chose, for 40 years of her life, to smoke. And no matter how often and how hard my oldest brother and I pushed her to quit- she wouldn’t. She was too… lazy, didn’t have the will power, whatever. She tried, and always failed. She’d say “Everyone’s got to die somehow.” And that’s wrong. That’s bullshit.

I watched her succumb to lung cancer for a year before it was diagnosed. I watched the cancer move to her brain and for the last 6 months of her life, I watched it eat her body from inside out. Imagine 1/4 of your body weight being tumors. Imagine your hip split in 2 because of a tumor the size of a grape fruit.  Imagine taking the deepest breath you can muster and still feeling like you’re suffocating. Imagine wanting to tell your family you love them, and not having the energy to even say it.

And now imagine the mess your family has when it’s all said and done.

Now, I want you to imagine how easily it all could have been avoided. How wonderful another 15 years with your kids would have been. How wonderful… everything would have been.

If it sounds like I’m being preachy, it’s because I am. I have family, and friends who despite seeing what my mother has gone through, still choose to smoke. It makes my stomach turn. It makes my heart hurt. Please, stop. Don’t put yourself through it, don’t put your family through it, and don’t put your friends through it.

There’s a commercial I saw a few days ago that really, really hit close to home. It said something like “Smoking can make you look classy” with a 1920′s flapper girl, and various other things. And at the end, it showed a man, in a hospital weighing about 100 pounds, and he said “Smoking can also make a human being look like this.” And that was my mom. The tiny, frail wrinkled shell of a human whose entire life was taken away because she was too ignorant to quit.

Just think about that.

WIP Wednesday #2

Yeah yeah, it’s Thursday. Eat a dick, I’ll post when I want to!

For today’s Work In Progress, I present to you: Christmas ornaments!

Now, I know what you’re thinking “Uhh.. definitely not in progress, those are complete!” but you’d be wrong. You see, I have to make like… 7 of these suckers for my friends, and these are the only 2 I have so far. I made 2 other wreaths, but one was all fudged up and the other I gave to Merlita for her birthday.

The wreath I made exactly as the pattern called, but for the mittens I added the 2 rows of white at the bottom. They just looked like they needed a little extra oomph, so they got some edging. These two patterns I found on a crochet blog, where there’s quite a few other ornament designs located, and I plan on trying out at least one of each!

You can find the patterns here: http://www.beansproutcreations.com/category/crochet-projects/12-weeks-of-christmas-cal/

I’d promise to try and post the WIP on Wednesday next week, but fuck you it’s my blog.

Santa Baby

It’s that time of year again! The time where most of America goes deeper into debt because the media tells them to. But whatever, at least the kids are happy, right?

Tonight, J and I put up our Christmas tree! A little late this year as last year it went up on Thanksgiving, but it’s all good. Added 2 new ornaments this year: a small photo frame ornament with little milk bones for Stella; and a Muppets scene of the Swedish Chef getting held up by the Lobster Banditos. It even sings the little Chef song. He goes perfect with my Statler and Waldorf ornament.

We don’t decorate the outside of the house because 1) our electric bill is high enough and 2) all of those lights are expensive! We’ll make do with the inside stuff. In the meantime, I am crocheting up all kinds of cutesy ornaments and decorations that I plan to give away to friends in lieu of actual gifts. We all follow the rule of  “If you shit your pants you get a gift.”

Merry Christmas!

WIP Wednesday #1

I am totally stealing this idea from my good friend Lyn, because it is a good one.

From here on our, every Wednesday will be Work In Progress Wednesday, where I will post a photo and some information about one of my current WsIP. This week, we’ll be featuring the Caron Pineapple Shawl!

I’m only 8 rows into it, but I think it should turn it pretty nice. It’s going to be a Christmas gift for my mother in law, so here’s hoping blocking will make it less wonky. I really meant to work on it tonight, but after grocery shopping and cleaning I am just way too exhausted.

I have a few other projects in the works that I’ll be bringing out as the Wednesdays troll on… so yay! That’s at least one guaranteed post a day.

Back to Normal

My promise to you (yes, you!):

To be less negative.
To say “thank you” more.
To blog more.
To buy groceries every 2 weeks.
To not get upset at little things.
To be happier.

Now hold me to it, will ya’?

All my brothers, sisters and me

We are a family that takes three hours to leave the house.

We are a family that loves a beautiful scene.

We are a family that likes to goof around in the water, because we have no idea what we are doing.

We are a family with adorable kids.

But most importantly, we are a family that loves each other. It’s taken a tragedy to bring us together like we should have been in the first place, but at least we were all smart enough to learn from it. I wouldn’t trade my brothers for the world, they are amazing. They have beautiful wives, and even more beautiful children. My mother is proud of all of us, and I know they’ll be there for me when I need them. Always.

He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.

Nothing deep tonight, just a quick update.

My oldest brother Bobby, his wife Shirley and their two kids are in town to visit with mom.  For the past week she has been in a mostly delirious stupor, but for the past two days she has been very alert.  She’s been wanting to have a meeting with Community Hospice to discuss what kind of services they could provide, and she figured now was as good of a time as always.

We had our meeting with Joanne, and it looks like Community Hospice will be a very good, very helpful thing. To try and list all of the services they offer would take all night, and I’m just too tired for that.  But I can say that I think mom is going to take them up on their offer of in home nurses, volunteers, free medication and counseling.

It was hard for me to hear the words “bereavement counseling” in combination with me, but it’s something I’m going to need. They offer bereavement counseling for the patients, and separate bereavement counseling for any children or grand children. They also have a weekend camp for kids under age 17 to go to, so they can socialize and be with someone else who has lost a loved one. How amazing is that? It’s just… phenomenal. And you know? It’s free.

Afterward, mom decided she wants to eat dinner at Shogun, a local Japanese hibachi grill place. Tonight was the third time I have eaten there.

1. The night before Josh and I got married, my brothers and their families, mom and dad Josh and I all went to dinner there, and had a great time drinking sake, eating good food and bullshitting.

2. When Bobby and his group came down to visit about three months ago, we all went out together and dad was even allowed out of the house by his whore to eat with us. Again, we all drank sake and a had a great time.

3. Tonight. Dad was not there as he was not allowed out, and each time mom’s health has gotten progressively worse.

I worry that in the future, I won’t be able to eat at this restaurant. But at the same time, it’s these memories I am creating with my family in this place that I’m going to cherish for the rest of my life.

Reality

I had a dream last night that is still haunting me. I cannot move it from my mind, and when I woke up it took quite a bit of effort to realize if it had actually happened, or not.

In my dream, I was laying in bed next to Josh. I heard a noise so I stood up and looked towards the door. It opened slowly and my mother walked in, wearing a pair of red silk pajamas that she has had for a long time. She had her full head of hair, and was walking just fine. Her weight was normal, she had color in her skin- it was as if she had never gotten sick at all.

I quickly looked over at Josh, and he was still snoozing next to me. Mom walked over to me, smiled and took my hand in hers. In my dream, and probably in real life, I began to cry and sob. I knew what this meant, I knew what she was doing.

“It’s time for me to go.” I didn’t want to hear that, not in my dream and definitely not in my conscious life. My heart lurched, and I hugged her. I begged with her no, not right now. Please stay, I’m not ready. She hugged me and said it was going to be fine, and that she loved me. I told her I loved her too, so much, and that she should stay, at least to see Bobby and the kids (who will be flying in this Saturday).

I can’t quite remember what she said exactly after that, but I know that she held me and I cried, she just looked so calm and peaceful. She held my hands so tight, and continued to tell me just how much I meant to her, and that she was so happy to have me as her daughter. I cried, and cried in the dream. She squeezed my hands one last time and then I was awake. I was jerked back to consciousness with a wet face and a damp pillow.

Take what you will of the dream, but I know it wasn’t just a dream. My mother has always been one to believe in the “paranormal” if you will, and when she was in the hospital she told me that at night she visits her children and watches us sleep- just to make sure we’re okay.  When her mother, my grandmother was sick, she was living with us with the aid of hospice. She, too had cancer and spent most of her days in a morphine sleep. In the middle of the night, my mother said she had this dream, that my grammy was sitting with her, telling her how much she loved her. My mother awoke, and walked to my grammy’s bedroom. You can see where this is going.

My mom walked in, and my grammy was awake. She smiled, and my mom held her hand. Mom said “I love you” and my grammy nodded, and passed away. Part of me wants to think it was just a dream, but I also know she doesn’t have much time left. Right now, I’d like to think my sweet talking convinced her to stay for just a few more days.

The Beginning of the End

I plan to use this blog as an outlet, and hopefully one day a group of memories, for this last, small amount of time I have with my mother who is currently dying of ovarian cancer.

It will not be easy to write, so I am sure it will not be easy to read.